Perception.

  
 I am insecure.

 I constantly deal with feeling like I am not enough.  I have spent the last few years trying to overcome these insecurities, and I have gotten better, because I have a husband that loves me and supports me and I have two little boys who ask for me when they wake up. I KNOW I am loved for who I am.

But I've spent so long with these blinders on of NOT being good enough.   As a teenager, I was awkward. I mean, taller than all the boys, huge poofy bangs, not athletic, choir nerd (but never got the lead roles), and if you wanted to date one of my gorgeous friends, you sent me a note to pass on. How's that for a recipe for an insecure disaster?     I did have my comfort zones;  I loved my youth group and serving anywhere I could. That was home to me. I know God was holding me through that time, but high school in general was a blur of trying to live up to a standard that I wasn't going to achieve at that time.

Going to my high school reunion this past year brought back all those feelings I had tried to get rid of.  I'm pretty sure I looked like a deer in headlights walking in the door.  I once again felt like I was not cool enough to talk to anyone.  Lame, right?  Sad part is, I probably came across as acting like I didn't want to associate with anyone.  Which is not who I am. It's not who I want to be. 


So, bear with me, but....  I enjoy Pinterest.


I enjoy finding new recipes, and projects and ideas for my kids and my home.  I look at it as a huge organization board for ideas I have in my head.  I spend about 20 minutes a day as I rock Noah to sleep for his nap looking at it.  I repin some stuff and that's that. 

Here's the catch:  I am plagued with feeling like there is NO WAY I am living up to my potential as a mother/wife/friend/WOMAN during those 20 minutes!  
eg: I tried to use a mason jar to make a soap dispenser. It doesn't pump.  I failed.  

Now, if you've been to my house you might see "attempts" at things Pinned. And that's because I really do enjoy doing them... but I struggle with guilt that while I was spending time doing that, I wasn't outside teaching my boys how to spell their names... or get potty trained... or eat vegetables.

Where do these crazy unattainable standards come from??  There has been a lot of blogs and articles I have read lately about being a "super mom" and how it's a myth. Yet, there are always going to be people that do some things better than others. It is how we deal with them, and how much we look to God to know how we are truly seen. Through the only Eyes that really matter.

I am guilty of putting God in a very small, (but super cute and decoupaged) box.  I do not allow Him to show me how He feels about me enough. If I was able to drown out all of the "Super Moms" -- who's kids/house/hair/body/husbands/clothes/spiritual lives were all perfect, with time to post it all on Facebook and Pinterest -- I might be able to hear the Lord telling me that I am perfect in His sight.  That all my insecurities are things I can work on with His guidance.  That time with Him will discern which of those things are even worth worrying about! That His grace is what I need to imitate to my children.
And that is ALL that matters. 

So I may have cleared my head, but I will most likely sit down to rock Noah to sleep tomorrow, turn on my super-handy Pinterest app and make a list in my head of things I want to do.  But I want to accomplish things knowing that who I am is good enough. And accept that there are things I can work on. But I am in no way a failure. And guilt is a choice. 

I will be a better mom and wife and friend if I am able to, above all else, see God's perception of me.