Embracing the stink

It's time.

We recently reached the 6 month mark of moving to our dairy farm in Enumclaw. 6 months since Providence Farms was born.  Half a year of learning what it means to live this life and accept it.
Yes, I think it's time I accepted it.  Not just accept, but be content.  Happy, even!

Not to say I went into this kicking and screaming, but I think the correct term is "culture shock". This lifestyle is SO very different from anything I have known.  I have heard so many times when I tell anyone from my past where I am:  "Wow. Didn't see that one coming!"

Yeah. Me either.

But here I am!  Constantly cleaning dirty carpets and kitchen floors. 
Here I am, with enough 'muck boots' to fit a small army! 
Here I am, totally botching my garden just to tear it up and try again next year!
I've learned that "I'll come in for dinner in just five minutes" really means "You better just wait an hour to even start cooking..."  
I've learned that...
--If you so much as sneeze near a hay bale, it's gonna be everywhere. Ev-er-y-where!!
--You better not plan on cleaning up until about 10 minutes before you want it to look clean!
--Laundry will be never ending for the rest of my life.
--Don't let the baby calves cuteness fool you! They are a pain in the butt!
--Cow poo is just a part of life. And it's not poisonous when smeared on your jeans.
--The cows will get out. And you will have to chase them. No, they are not going to run you over.
--Weeds. Spiders. Flies. All should be named on the lease, because they constantly live here.
--Tractors break down at the exact moment you're supposed to leave the house. Scientific fact.


So much to just complain about, right?  All these reasons... and I've been thinking about writing all this down for a while. But I don't want to share it because "Oh, what will so-and-so think when they hear about how 'dirty' I live now?"   (oh, you didn't know about my security issues? you can see the previous post for the backstory there....)   Will  friends or family think less of me because this is our life choice? I find myself justifying and explaining how things look to anyone that comes to visit! 

WHY!?

I'll tell you why.  I was not ready to accept it. I had been told/warned/reminded how life would be - especially in the beginning - when we got here.  And until you are living it, there's really no way to prepare or understand.  And then comes that "culture shock" thing I was talking about... All of those complaints can SO easily overcome you until you decide...make a choice...to become content.  It may have taken me a whole half of a year to figure it out, but I am choosing to be happy with this life!

Every single day I get to take my boys outside with endless amounts of room to run and play. To get dirty. To learn how to garden with me. (okay, they mainly use it as the biggest sandbox EVER for their tractors... but I try to grow stuff around them!)

Every single night we can sit on our back porch or at the fire pit and see the most amazing sunsets, with this peace and quietness that you just have to be here to understand.

Every day my husband is present. He's here and I can sneak in a quick "How's your day?" or "I love you" any time I want!  Or even (when we're feeling reeeally ambitious) help him move some cows or feed the calves.

We have every opportunity to be completely self-sufficient! We grow our own food (which also means I can go 'grocery shopping' in an old t-shirt and my hair up...in my backyard! hooray!)

My boys are learning the value of hard work. Something that is totally devalued in today's world!  They will be hard working, respectful young men who appreciate where things come from. I don't know if I could have taught them those things as well anywhere else!

Wait a minute...  I am learning the value of hard work! I don't think I really appreciated what that meant until now.

I am being forced to be good with money! A trait I know Ryan is thrilled about!  Doing all the business accounting for the farm has changed my perspective on so many levels! (I still have a slight shopping problem, but it has definitely gotten better!)

We get to ride around on a quad whenever we feel like it! ...Hello! That's reason enough!

All that said... I have decided it is all worth it! All the complaints are nothing compared to what our family is getting out of this experience.  To say that Ryan and I started this business from the ground up is so satisfying. WE did it. By ourselves.  Nobody can take that away.

I know my husband is so capable of being a great dairyman. There is so much negativity out there towards this profession. From so many that are close to us. So many that told us we shouldn't be doing this.  But my husband knows the industry and I trust him completely.  I trust his faith in the Lord and I know God is guiding our steps through this entire process. I've seen it first hand! There is NO OTHER WAY to explain how all of these doors opened up for us to be here! If anything, he deserves to know that I am behind him 100%.  He deserves to know that I am happy.  That our boys are happy.  And we are exactly where we are supposed to be, no matter what anybody says!

So to all the so-and-so's in my life who are grossed out by a little 'fertilizer' on your loaner boots... Yeah, this California girl probably used to be just like you.  But then God and his crazy sense of humor said "Now, watch this! Let's put HER on the farm.. just for fun!"    And now that I firmly have myself on the ground, I am ready to dig in. To find where my place is in this town. To find camaraderie in women I can confide in.  And to get down to raising an amazing family!

I have it in me.

Watch out, Enumclaw.


(p.s.  hey, California.... it's called "Ee-num-claw".   Yes, I know you want to say it with a country accent.  The PNW doesn't, but hey, if it makes you feel better, go ahead!)   

Perception.

  
 I am insecure.

 I constantly deal with feeling like I am not enough.  I have spent the last few years trying to overcome these insecurities, and I have gotten better, because I have a husband that loves me and supports me and I have two little boys who ask for me when they wake up. I KNOW I am loved for who I am.

But I've spent so long with these blinders on of NOT being good enough.   As a teenager, I was awkward. I mean, taller than all the boys, huge poofy bangs, not athletic, choir nerd (but never got the lead roles), and if you wanted to date one of my gorgeous friends, you sent me a note to pass on. How's that for a recipe for an insecure disaster?     I did have my comfort zones;  I loved my youth group and serving anywhere I could. That was home to me. I know God was holding me through that time, but high school in general was a blur of trying to live up to a standard that I wasn't going to achieve at that time.

Going to my high school reunion this past year brought back all those feelings I had tried to get rid of.  I'm pretty sure I looked like a deer in headlights walking in the door.  I once again felt like I was not cool enough to talk to anyone.  Lame, right?  Sad part is, I probably came across as acting like I didn't want to associate with anyone.  Which is not who I am. It's not who I want to be. 


So, bear with me, but....  I enjoy Pinterest.


I enjoy finding new recipes, and projects and ideas for my kids and my home.  I look at it as a huge organization board for ideas I have in my head.  I spend about 20 minutes a day as I rock Noah to sleep for his nap looking at it.  I repin some stuff and that's that. 

Here's the catch:  I am plagued with feeling like there is NO WAY I am living up to my potential as a mother/wife/friend/WOMAN during those 20 minutes!  
eg: I tried to use a mason jar to make a soap dispenser. It doesn't pump.  I failed.  

Now, if you've been to my house you might see "attempts" at things Pinned. And that's because I really do enjoy doing them... but I struggle with guilt that while I was spending time doing that, I wasn't outside teaching my boys how to spell their names... or get potty trained... or eat vegetables.

Where do these crazy unattainable standards come from??  There has been a lot of blogs and articles I have read lately about being a "super mom" and how it's a myth. Yet, there are always going to be people that do some things better than others. It is how we deal with them, and how much we look to God to know how we are truly seen. Through the only Eyes that really matter.

I am guilty of putting God in a very small, (but super cute and decoupaged) box.  I do not allow Him to show me how He feels about me enough. If I was able to drown out all of the "Super Moms" -- who's kids/house/hair/body/husbands/clothes/spiritual lives were all perfect, with time to post it all on Facebook and Pinterest -- I might be able to hear the Lord telling me that I am perfect in His sight.  That all my insecurities are things I can work on with His guidance.  That time with Him will discern which of those things are even worth worrying about! That His grace is what I need to imitate to my children.
And that is ALL that matters. 

So I may have cleared my head, but I will most likely sit down to rock Noah to sleep tomorrow, turn on my super-handy Pinterest app and make a list in my head of things I want to do.  But I want to accomplish things knowing that who I am is good enough. And accept that there are things I can work on. But I am in no way a failure. And guilt is a choice. 

I will be a better mom and wife and friend if I am able to, above all else, see God's perception of me.